#they took my gnc i will never forgive them

[sockwachowski]

i really don't like when people draw sock in normal boy clothes. like thats not me that's a white boy who's on the varsity team from colorado named connor. my name is sock

[tokyogruel]

Tell me more about the idea that muu is lying and not actually rich please. Ive only ever seen one other person consider that before but they never elaborated + changed their mind post INMF so im really curious. Like what do you think supports it?

im so sorry this took me a few days, work tends to drain me a lot more than id like haha

but i would be more than happy to elaborate!

unfortunately a few of my claims are based off of evidence/supportive pieces that are in a discord server i no longer have access to, so please forgive me

to start off, it was pointed out to me at one point that muu goes to a more expensive private school, though there are grants and scholarships that allow those without the proper funding to attend these schools regardless of their financial status (i.e. haruhi in ouran high school host club). i believe muu is a very intelligent young girl who is capable of earning one of these scholarships easily

muu also has a recurring theme of "foreigner in a place that is new and scary to her" her being a blonde-haired light-eyed half-french, lesbian GNC-girl in a private school filled with dark-haired dark-eyed japanese straight feminine girls. muu is the kind of person who likely feels totally outcast by her peers.

as well, taking a peek at this conversation in after pain:

with a very rough translation (i am not proficient in japanese, but this is the gist of the conversation)

it should be noted that muu's friends "A-" and "Sayu" appear to be talking about muu as if she is not present in the conversation, and their tone is almost mocking. muu retorts by claiming she has plenty more, and that her lipstick (which they are likely making fun of her for it being a cheap brand, though im not sure about this detail) is just an extra she had on hand. she gets defensive, and is likely lying to protect her "rich girl who has everything" image.

i would also like to point out that muu seems to have gotten nothing in return for her lipstick- and was likely lending it to her friend with no expectation. muu acts like she isnt a giving person, but genuinely seems to be thoughtful and generous towards those she cares about. this can also be seen with muu giving haruka "hand-me-down" hair clips. its a small gesture, but haruka wears and appreciates them- they keep his uncut hair out of his eyes, and its a small piece of her that he can wear. its a thoughtful gift

and secondly... doesnt anybody else think that its weird that weve seen NOTHING about her home life? with other prisoners, we see at least two aspects of their lives, if not more. haruka with his house v. the forest. yuno in the car, on the stairs, in the brothel-room, on dates. fuuta in the tunnel, the arcade, on the basketball court. shidou in his house, hospital, greenhouse. mahiru in the forest, her house, several pictures of her on outings in TIHTBILWY. kazui in his house and the bar, on the altar. amane in her house, on the street, though MAGIC primarily takes place in her "inner world". mikoto in his home and train station. kotoko in the warehouse, a bar, on the streets etc.

muu's videos take place entirely in her school. even her inner-world with the bright white walls and floors, where herself and her peers are bugs- its still her mental depiction of school. her home life is totally void in her videos. why? sure, it may not be important to her murder- but maybe, its more important than what we see in after pain and inmf

did you know that most bullies use bullying as a way to cope with lack of control in their lives? that bullies most often face harrassment at home, and that school is their only escape from abuse? those who bully their peers often mirror their own parents' actions towards them. school is likely the only place where muu has any sense of control in her life. yes, its bad that she bullied her peers, but she is a child who has no proper outlet for the pain that she faces

(i also believe that her hourglass imagery lends to a cycle of violence- that muu was likely bullied, became the bully, and lost her status only to get bullied once more)

but im going on a tangent

unfortunately at this point i am running out of steam and good examples to lend to why i believe muu is poor (please, if anyone else has any evidence to back this up, please do add on to this post! i love to hear the community's thoughts!)

but for one last, small point. let's take a look at muu's lunch. a simple bento

this bento is very small (a side note: i am also of the opinion that muu struggles with an ED) and it consists of a few simple ingredients.

a leaf of lettuce, cherry tomatoes, rice, a small amount of sauce, a single hot dog cut in the shape of an octopus, and what appears to be a hunk of protein, like chicken

well, thats not a lot of food. certainly nothing high-quality or expensive. lets take a look at some school lunches in japan. lets search up "学校 べんと" "gakkou bento" "school bento" and look at the images

muu's lunch certainly doesnt look all that filling. it most certainly does not look bougie and expensive

edit: i would also like to note that she parallels shidou as a partner prisoner. both feature the concept of lying and upholding a good image of oneself

[octahyde]

🏳️‍🌈 riddle, vil, epel, and idia? :3c

thank you for the gaggle of transgender people

Riddle: gay trans guy. I respect fem/transfem Riddle stuff but honestly to me personally it (ironically considering the next one) goes against his character. His entire life and childhood he’s had femininity forced on him (note the half dress from his overblot especially) and him being a trans guy and desperately trying to break out of it just makes sense. Being gay also goes into this to a degree as well but also just look at this kid and tell me he isn’t a little gayboy.

Vil: Transhet woman. I know this one is really really REALLY controversial but… her entire story feels like a trans narrative to me. Especially as a GNC trans guy (the only “acceptable” trans hc for her in the fandom), I see a lot of my gender envy towards feminine cis men in her treatment of Epel and Neige- Neige being amab and that soft and feminine without even trying, and Epel being feminine naturally and wanting to “throw it away”, so to speak. Especially when she tries so hard to be soft and feminine and it’s never “good” enough. As for transhet I just can’t see her with girls tbh. (Also I know transfem drag queens who have gotten into the series and took one look at Vil and said she’s a trans woman just saying.)

Epel: come on we all know this kid is a trans gayboy. Idk if this specifically is a hot take but from his second year onward I REALLY want him out of pome and into savanaclaw. I’m glad he’s made peace with his appearance for the time being but everything about it is. Insane repression to me and honestly makes me uncomfortable, again as a GNC trans guy myself. Once he realizes how legitimately traumatic his first year is I can’t see him forgiving Vil or Rook for an EXTREMELY long time, if ever. Lately I’ve also been kind of interested in exploring transfem Epel too… not because he’s soft and dainty and forced into feminine roles (I think I just established how extremely uncomfortable I am with that LMAO)… but because Epel has grown up around so many strong women, and I think him idolizing them and wanting to be a strong, masculine woman specifically himself is interesting. A naturally GNC boy desiring to become a GNC woman is really interesting to me and says a lot of very profound things about gender. I also think it gives a unique spin on his relationship with Vil- he knows things aren’t limited to just men and women, and he feels stifled specifically because he wants to be a woman who does things usually expected for men. I’m still 100% masc gay guy Epel, but I think it’s some REALLY interesting food for thought about gender and what is and isn’t expected of gender roles and how that affects trans people.

Idia: Beautiful Transhet Woman, My Beautiful Wife. I really don’t know how to explain this one except she is literally a coding gaming tgirl to a T. It literally unintentionally feels like they gathered a bunch of nerdy tgirls into a room and had them workshop the most stereotypical boymoder they could LMAO. Everything about her is So Transfeminine. She very much has a jrpg loving trans woman who was Very interested in TTYD Vivian as a child energy. Especially since I joined a discord server for a queer TTYD streamer recently AKFKSKFK My bg on desktop is what it is for a reason. As for why I say transhet… well she’s a major factor in how I realized I’m a st4t transhet man. She also radiates gayboy obsessed with yaoi to fujoshi pipeline which is very much a thing AKDJSFJDN I think her being bi with a pref for guys is really cute also though. Give her a few years and online she is going to be VERY popular with the (t)ladies.

[myragewillendworlds]

I’m a 18 year old transexual male, have known about it since I was about 10 or 11, and have been struggling with a bad dysphoric episode this past month, so forgive the irrationality and how stupid this may sounds.

Lately I have been frequenting some ‘truscum’ forums online and, though I agree with most of their premises (main point being ‘you need sex dysphoria to be trans), I’ve found some ideas that have been making me feel ‘less of a man’. Though I’m not generally feminine in posture and habit, I’m highly introverted [bordering on shyness] and have some ‘girly’ habits and likes, such as still liking stuffed animals even at my age [please, don’t take it as infantilizing myself] and enjoying making colorful notes, with nice pens and nice titles as well. My friend group is mixed gender-wise, but the majority is made cis female. For some of these ‘truscum’ individuals, this makes me merely GNC, and though I am sure my dysphoria is real and I am caving the path towards my medical transition, it does make me feel weirdly insecure and intensifies, somehow, the dysphoria.

I’ve seen you are somewhat of an specialist when it comes to topics like this, therefore I wanted to have your insight, if possible.

Thank you for reading this and forgive me for any mistakes regarding the English language, it isn’t my mother tongue.

It took perhaps mere months before the word "truscum" began being used by underage morons who had neither the maturity nor the general desired level of intelligence to be speaking for an entire community in trying to convince outsiders of its need to be taken seriously. And it was a meme word before then too, one that I always warned against using for the very reasons it almost immediately became a problem. Point being: it means nothing to me that someone calls themselves "truscum", other than that it makes them sound like an immature asshole. I have never used that label.

That being said–

I don't think behavior alone makes someone transsexual or not transsexual. Sex dysphoria does.

The only relevant question is: do you experience sex dysphoria because of the sex of your body? And because people have severely watered that definition down over the years as well, here are some follow-up questions; which, no, aren't specifically covered in this wording in the DSM or ICD, but any diagnostician worth their salt would ask you:

Is the level of distress you experience life-debilitating?

Have you experienced this at least since the onset of puberty?

Looking back at your childhood, can you (with hindsight) recognize that your male gender identity was in fact present then as well? For example: did you feel a familiarity/kinship towards male family members, did you prefer playing with boys, did you prefer boy clothing/toys/items, did it feel natural to identify yourself with male characters, did you feel you didn't belong in groups with girls/women, etc.

Does a future in a female body seem impossible, surreal and/or utterly agonizing and miserable to you?

Do you experience sex dysphoria over all your natal sex characteristics; meaning, including the actual sex organs? There is no such thing as a transsexual male that lacks dysphoria over having female sex organs. Then you're just not male, therefore not transsexual.

Finally: are there no alternative explanations that could believably explain your dysphoric feelings, such as relevant trauma or mental illness? Do you wish to transition for the sole sake of changing your sex, and not for any ulterior goals or beliefs possibly linked to trauma or mental illness?

You should be able to answer 'yes' to these questions if you are transsexual.

The things you're mentioning aren't typical in guys your age, no, but those are taught things, not biologically innate things. Chances are, if you were raised as a boy, you likely wouldn't have done or enjoyed these (as much) as they would probably not have been encouraged, either by your parents or your peers. On the other hand, if you had been born male and still had these interests, you probably would've ran into the exact same sentiments from your peers that this makes you less of a guy. You'll find that many cisgender men have similar experiences with having their masculinity questioned.

Most transsexual people, I would say, do 'outgrow' most of these social behaviors as they fully embrace and live as their desired sex (and HRT may play a role in these changes as well). Perhaps you will too, when/if you start HRT and grow up into a man. Or perhaps you'll be a man who likes coloring pencils. It's hardly the deciding factor. Not like men have to trade in their cocks the moment they're ever found guilty of pulling out a glittery marker.

[ophexis]

GET COUNTER-ASKED Gimme 6, 27, 40, 45, 53, 65 GIMME THAT SWEET CHARACTER JUICE that came out wrong anyway

Tyy for the ask <3 sorry it took me a while to get to it

Characters mentioned here are:

Zav, my first dnd character, GNC gnome rogue extraordinaire,

A'den, my mandalorian bounty hunter, ex-death watch,

Duncan, my slutty cowboy guy who's just a bit silly....maybe,

Soren, my space mechanic who senses electricity and is under more stress than he bargained for.

6. How does your character express that they’re uncomfortable?

Duncan will not say it out loud but he's incredibly good at removing himself from situations. And subtly enough that nobody's gonna really notice. But I assume that someone who knows him well will notice if he's doing it. He's just very charismatic and good at weaseling. But he won't say it. Just gonna be a lot of "Eh I wanted to go do something else."

As a bonus, Soren also does not quite say it but that's because he tends to let people walk over him a bit before he awkwardly removes himself from the situation. He does look visibly uncomfortable when he is though unlike Duncan.

27. If they were a ghost, how would they haunt in the afterlife?

Zav will make you think you're going crazy. Stuff missing. Stuff being in the wrong place. Stuff missing from your pockets. Stuff is in your pockets but they weren't in your pockets before. And that's if she kinda likes you. If she doesn't like you she will make you question what you're seeing in the shadows and was that a blade at your neck or were you just dreaming?

40. Describe a corruption/redemption arc version of your character.

Kind of specific but had Cal died before A'den was pardonned by his clan, he would have fallen back into a criminal life/working for Hutts and would isolate himself, probably never to reconcile with his family or anyone. The jobs he did back then were less than savory (which was the reason he quit in the first place) but I think he just wouldn't care anymore. Not a place for him in the universe with the good guys.

45. What would they never forgive themselves for?

Zav never forgave herself for not bringing Ulgarim back home 😬 It's not something she promised to anyone else, but to herself. Especially after Ul's died for a while that one time (he got better). And it hit her when her feelings were already kinda fucked from recovering her memories so she's latched on that feeling of failure pretty badly.

53. What does freedom mean to them?

For Duncan it's really just to be able to go anywhere and do whatever he wants. Simple enough, but he gets incredibly off when he has anything restricting him. Such as certain job contracts. Or when things don't go his way.

65. Adoration or Intimidation?

Soren does not tolerate bullies! No respect for intimidation.

[bruhlsbees]

paradox burning ; 1/5 || ernst schmidt x fem!reader

summary: after the fight between volkov and schmidt, you comfort schmidt in his quarters

pairing: ernst schmidt x fem!reader

warnings: over the clothes touching

word count: 4,666

taglist: @itsametaphorbriansblog

a/n: if you haven't read the preview i would suggest reading that first to understand the vibe of their relationship better!! chapter two will be up tonight!! just wanted to get this out as i've been lacking content these past few days since i've been celebrating my birthday. hope you enjoy and as always if you want to be added to the tag list let me know!

“TAD throttle control, 8636. Line secure.”

Mother Mary be with us...be with Mama and Papa and sissy and Joe.

“Accelerator system status?”

Father give us the strength today, for we have dove into the depths of space to restore humanity as we know it.

“It’s holding for pre-ignition.”

Look after everyone down below on Earth - for times are dark and the sun does not appear to be rising anymore.

“Shepard team, you are go for countdown.”

I pray that you forgive all of our sins, Father, as we have learned our lessons and strive to move forward in honoring thy.

“We’ve all got our fingers crossed here at Mission Control. Let’s make this first one count.”

And help guide us through these troubling times and help everyone remember why we are up here.

“Status boosters?”

Is this Hell, Father?

“Go.”

Have you damned us all to Hell?

“The GNC?”

To pay for our sins?

“Go.”

Tell me, Father...

“Power up.”

Are we damned?

“Commander, Shepard team standing by for your go.”

Perhaps we are and this is where are days will end.

“On my count…”

Among strangers and empty.

“Three…”

Away from family...

“Two…”

Away from friends…

“One…”

Alone in our own thoughts.

“Mark.”

God, help us all.

TWO YEARS LATER

You awoke with a start. Gasping for air as you tugged at your tank top, as if the thin material was suffocating you. Not giving yourself time to process what had happened, you threw your legs out from under the warm covers and let the cool air hit your bare legs, your elbows resting on your knees with your head in your hands, catching your breath.

This was the second week in a row now that you’ve woken up from a nightmare. Drenched in sweat and tears spilling from your eyes. It was always a reimagine of the previous one. If you dreamt of your father dying one night, the next it would be your mother. This night, it was your own life that you dreamt slipping away. Your finger pads swiped away the tears that fell down your cheeks before sliding onto the cool flooring, clasping your hands together to begin and pray.

“In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit…” You began, crossing yourself as you settled on your knees, eyes closed and hands squeezed together tight. “Heavenly Father I ask that you watch over Mama and Papa...sissy and Joesph, and all those back home,” You cleared your throat, choking down the tears as you continued on once more. “We have been onboard for over two years and I miss everyone dearly. I hope to speak with them soon as Joesph is teaching Mama and Papa how to use video call.”

Even with all the photos that you had around your room, all the videos that you had programmed in to watch whenever you pleased, you were beginning to forget simple things - like how they smelled, the warmth of their hugs, and how they always tried to pawn your younger siblings onto you. You were always so mad babysitting them, losing out on time with your friends, but now...now you wished that you had the chance to babysit them, to be with them once again.

“Father, I ask that you forgive me for my sins, guide us through this mission, and take us home. All of us. Let this mission go well, and we can save Earth. Amen.”

You crossed yourself a final time, bringing your cross necklace from your chest where it sat and to your lips, kissing the gold piece of jewelry before standing up from the floor.

This was an everyday routine for you. Waking up, saying your morning prayer, taking a shower, and being down for breakfast by 08:00. It was early, you knew that, but you enjoyed having the calmer moments before everyone else woke up.

When you entered the bathroom, you went straight to the shower, turning the handle to let the warm water spute out. You were tired, swaying gently in your stance as your eyes grew heavy. The sudden spitting of water struggling to get out woke up, making you jump as you watched the water pressure went from weak to strong.

You pushed down your shorts from that night, pulling your tank top above you, and stepped out of your shorts, dropping the tank top on the floor before stepping into the shower. You were pleasantly greeted by the hot water, sighing as it hit your back and began easing the tension in your muscles.

Morning showers for you were always dangerous - either it could go very well and you’d be out in minutes, or it could go bad and you’d end up falling asleep leaning against the wall. On this particular morning, after dreaming of your own death, you did not wish to fall asleep again, scared of what could come from your slumber. You quickly washed yourself off, massaging your scalp as you washed your hair before taking the toothbrush you kept in the shower, opening up the tube of toothpaste, and began brushing your teeth.

It was such a mundane routine - almost finding it boring the longer you were onboard. Perhaps it was your schedule that was down to the second of when you did things. You never were one to be so particular about your schedule, having one so precise, but after a year of pure chaos on board, a mundane routine is what kept your little sanity still hanging.

When you were finally ready for the day and changed into your suit, you slid on your shoes and pulled your hair back into a low bun, tucking some of the loose pieces of hair behind your ear before heading out of your room and down the hall, going towards the common room to join the others for breakfast.

By the time you made it down to the common room, you were only the third to arrive - Mundy and Acosta beating you to it.

“Well look who finally decided to wake up!”

From your spot at the bagel machine, you looked over into the game room where Mundy and Acosta stood playing foosball, Mundy looking all too proud - indicating that he perhaps was winning. On the other hand, Acosta looked tired, almost too tired to be playing a game of foosball so early with Mundy.

Letting out a laugh, you shook your head and turned your attention back to the bagel, sighing once it finished before pulling it out from the machine and placing it on your plate. You truly didn’t understand how half the stuff you consumed was edible, but you supposed it beat other things you’ve seen those in space eat.

Taking a seat in your spot at the table, your back facing Mundy and Acosta, you brought the bagel to your mouth and took a bite, maybe a little bigger than what was more polite, but you didn’t care, you were starving.

It was the Commander who came in next, greeting everyone with a morning as he got his own breakfast before sitting across from you at the other end of the table. When the two of you locked eyes, you nodded, continuing to chew your bagel before looking down, not wanting to draw too much attention to the fact that you had a shit night.

You were pleased when Commander didn’t seem to notice, glancing occasionally into the lounge room where Mundy and Acosta continued to play foosball, Acosta finally gaining the upper hand on Mundy for once.

One by one the rest of the crew began to show: Volkov, Tam, Schmidt, before eventually Hamilton joined as well. When Schmidt came in, walking beside Tam speaking in Mandarian about what you assumed to be something related to the Shepard power accelerator. As the two sat down with their breakfast, Schmidt looked over your way, his mouth twitching into a smile before his attention fell back to the screen pad in front of him that Tam was holding.

You listened in on their conversation, picking out what you could understand through the technical language the two spoke on. As a medical crewman, you weren’t familiar with all of the technology onboard, only the ones related to the medbay that you primarily worked in. You went to school for medicine, exceeding expectations in your classes, and found yourself working for military hospitals since. It came as a surprise to you when they asked if you’d like to be a part of the Cloverfield station. What business did you have going up in space?

When you told your family about the news, they were proud, no doubt, that their eldest child would be going into space to directly help with the ongoing energy crisis. It was evident how proud they were of you, but also how worried with you going into space. You lived with your parents and younger siblings your entire life, leading up until your departure for the Cloverfield station. Separating from your family was hard, and having them not understand how to work even something as simple as a video call hurt more.

Your sister, Mila, would be sixteen now - learning how to drive and preparing for her final days in school before going into higher education, if that’s what she wanted. Your brother, Joseph, would be twenty-three now, doing who knows what with his young man mind. You hoped he wasn’t getting into trouble, or knocking some girl up...although the idea of having a little niece or nephew to come home to didn’t sound all that bad.

But your parents, how were they doing? They were older, growing slower as the days went on. Were they still making it through all of this? You assumed Papa was still running the family shop downstairs, selling candies to the little children of Lapovo - whatever children were left in Lapovo that is.

Mama though, how was she doing? You couldn’t imagine how worried she was, probably baking her troubles away in the kitchen. You missed waking up to her cooking, smelling the sweetness of baklava and sarma. She always wrote you letters while you were away either at school or on the military base that was outside of Lapovo where you worked. Now that you were in space though, sending letters just didn’t happen.

Perhaps tonight you’d try and see if Joseph was online and able to chat.

Everything had been going peaceful that morning, which you enjoyed after the sleep you poorly had. That is until Volkov finally spoke up.

“Six hundred and ninety-four.”

Looking up from your bagel and to your left where he was at, you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion as Volkov screwed the water bottle back closed, making his way over to the table to join the rest of you.

“Six hundred and ninety-four days I’ve kept our O2, CO2, N2, hydrogen, water vapor and methane at optimal levels.”

Congrats, what did he want, a fucking cookie?

You watched as Volkov stood on the other side of the table in front of Schmidt, almost directly talking to him. There was always something going on between the two of them, and quite frankly it annoyed the living shit out of you. You felt like a mother some days, scolding Schmidt for clearly egging Volkov on - him and his damn anger issues.

It was no different today, as Volkov began his tangent on whatever it was he was about to lay into you all, Schmidt was sitting across from him, a smirk on his face.

“You know how many pressure leaks we’ve had? Not one. No microbe overgrowth, nothing. You know why?”

“This is a long speech, Volkov.” Schmidt quipped, reacting in you rolling your eyes and pushing your plate forward, leaning back in your chair with your arms crossed over your chest, wondering where this would be leading to next.

“Because I disinfect the decks every seventy-two hours.” It was Acosta to interrupt Volkov this time, stating that he was actually the ones to disinfect the decks. He was right, you couldn’t remember how many days you spent helping him, on your knees scrubbing at the decks.

It seemed finally everyone was growing annoyed with whatever Volkov was getting at, Commander Kiel finally stepping in and stating that if he had a point he wanted to make, he should make it now.

“There’s one part of this station. One part that is not working. This is interesting, do you know what part that is? The Sheppard Accelerator.” Volkov continued, not seeming to be in any rush to get out what he wanted to say.

In Mandarian, Tam finally intervened, claiming that eight billion were counting on us and asked what his point was. You could agree, what was this all about?

It was then that Volkov stated that he didn’t have a problem with Tam, but with Schmidt - ‘her German boyfriend’. You couldn’t help but snicker at the comment, clearing your throat just as quick, hoping nobody heard. But someone did, and it was Schmidt, giving you a look that screamed ‘you’re not gonna find that as funny later’.

Everything began to really go downhill from there, nobody seemed to be able to get to Volkov and stop him before he said even more that he would regret. Hamilton directed him to go back to his quarters only for him to snap back that she wasn’t his mother. Commander and Mundy even jumped in, trying to calm him down, but nothing worked.

“Two years on this ship, and this man has delivered nothing,” Volkov pushed on. You hadn’t noticed it until then, but Schmidt had moved from the table and was now standing only feet away from Volkov. You felt your heart begin to pound as you watched the two men. Two men with strong anger issues at only breakfast time, something more than just a disagreement on the way to erupt.

“Volkov, enough!” Schmidt snapped, glaring forward at him. “You need to think very carefully about what you’re saying.”

There was a brief moment of silence, and you thought maybe, just maybe Volkov actually shut up for once. But that brief moment of silence was just that, and he was back to speaking, this time more quiet than before.

“We’ve both heard the reports,” Making his way closer to Schmidt, “Germany is preparing for war, Serbia taking alliances with Germany, and everyday that goes by more and more Russians are starving.” The comment made your heart stop for a moment. That was just a rumor, in all of your messages with Joseph, not once had he mentioned going to war alongside Germany to be true.

You didn’t know why you felt the sudden urge to cry, but you did. Bringing your fingers to your mouth, you began to bite down at the skin around your nails, chewing away at the flesh until you tasted the iron of your blood. Nobody outwardly spoke badly to you, besides the occasional poorly landed joke from Volkov, but you couldn’t help but feel like an outcast, wondering if people really thought you were what Volkov said you to be.

By now Volkov was in Schmidt’s face, the two men radiating their own heated anger off one another, tension filling the room, making you feel like you did in your nightmare, suffocating. You pulled at the collar of your suit, taking the zipper and unzipping the front enough to get yourself feeling less trapped.

“Maybe you’re not in a hurry to get the Shepard working. Is that it? Are you stalling us to help Germany get the upper hand? What about you? What are you doing in the med bay alone, mixing something up for us to take? To slowly kill us?”

He laughed, he actually laughed when he looked at you, a shit-eating grin on his face.

It all happened in a matter of seconds. When Volkov turned back towards Schmidt, it was only half a second before Schmidt’s hand wrapped around Volkov’s throat, pushing him back before sending a punch across his face. Volkov was quick to regain his posture, grabbing at Schmidt’s own throat and shoved him back towards the corner, both men trying to pin one another against the wall.

When the scene unfolded, you stood up in shock, mouth gaped and you took a step to the side to try and do whatever you could to help, but felt someone grab your wrist. Turning, you looked down to see Tam’s hand before looking up at her, watching her shake her head ‘no’ and to just wait. And you did, it took everything in you to stick by her side, but you did wait.

Commander was the one to grab Schmidt, pinning him onto the table with his face squished onto the glass. Mundy, on the other hand, held Volkov in a choke hold, keeping him restrained while the Commander lectured the two men - one of which was still trying to get the last word in.

“Keep your mouth shut, Volkov!” The Commander finally boomed, causing the room to come to a standstill. “We have a job to do.”

The room finally fell silent, both men seeming to be relaxed enough for the Commander to think they were free to be broken from their restraints.

“Now, can you two get along for just one day without us having to pull you off of one another?” Moving back, you watched as Schmidt laid on the table for a moment, almost debating on if he wanted to go at it with Volkov again. He decided against it and finally stood up, fixing his shirt before shooting a glare towards Volkov, knocking past him and out of the common room.

You gave it a moment, smiling over at Tam when you felt her squeeze your hand. You nodded her way, squeezing her hand back before you quietly slipped away, moving down the hall quick to go and find Schmidt.

It took a while for Schmidt to really calm down, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if the Commander didn’t rush the test that you were all supposed to conduct that day. It was bad enough everyone was stressed, but having someone be stressed and pissed off just wouldn’t work. You could almost bet that the reason the outburst that morning even happened in the first place was because of the high tensions on board, especially leading up to the next test.

If this test failed, they only would have enough for three more tests. After that... well, they could kiss humanity goodbye.

It didn’t take long for you to find Schmidt, in his quarters struggling to get his suit on as the zipper seemed to be stuck. He was mumbling something in German and you couldn’t piece together what he was saying other than the occasional ‘fuck him’.

When you stepped inside his quarters, the door shutting behind you, he paused his moments, his hands on his zipper, not wanting to look at you. You took a hesitant step forward, not wanting to be on the other hand of his outburst, before stopping once you were only a foot away from him.

“If you’re here to tell me that I was an idiot, don’t bo-”

“I’m not here to call you anything, Ernst,” His cheeks grew red at the sound of his first name, his gaze glancing up at you, watching as you stared back - only instead of something angry, like he expected, your gaze was more somber, worried even, “I just came to make sure you were okay. Here, let me.”

You gently moved his hands away from the zipper of his suit, taking another step forward to pinch at his suit, tugging the fabric down to help the zipper not get bunched in the fabric. You could feel his ragged breath hit your forehead, his chest heaving as the zipper moved higher until your hand stopped above his heart.

His mouth twitched into a smile, feeling your head fall forward to rest against his chest. You felt his arms wrap around you as he pulled you in tighter for a hug, as if you could get any closer to him. His lips sat on your hairline above your temple, kissing you sweetly.

“You trust me, right?” Schmidt suddenly asked. He could feel you tense up in his arms and he pulled back, his hands resting on your arms, squeezing them, “I just, don’t want you to be wrapped up in the middle of whatever feud Volkov has with me. Tam already gets it enough and I just don’t want you to have that on yo-”

You stopped him with a kiss, smiling into it before pulling away, seeing his own smile on his face.

“I can handle myself, Schmidt...I’m not worried with what Volkov has to say,” You wrapped your arms around his neck, feeling him wrap his arms around your waist, “Volkov likes to get a rise out of anyone who gives him the time of day. It’s how he keeps himself busy on board.”

The joke seemed to land well with Schmidt, earning a laugh before you felt him begin to rock you both side to side. “But what’s this about Tam being your girlfriend?” You teased.

You grinned at the sight of him rolling his eyes at you, “You don’t have to be jealous about Tam, you know that she’s-”

“Who said I was jealous?” You asked, a smirk toying on your mouth. The two of you often were fond of teasing one another, poking at one another until the other grew red - then you’d smother the other in kisses to make up for the relentless teasing. “Do I need to be jealous of her? Is that why it takes you so long to come to my room at night, are you seeing her before you see me?”

You had pulled away from him midway, now seated on his cot. He was red in the face and gaping as he tried to intervene, but you kept talking.

“I mean, wow, Tam? I didn’t realize you were the type that liked to be dominated-”

It was your turn to be cut off, giggling when he moved across the room, pinning you down against his bed. You felt your heart begin to race, your own cheeks turning red as his face sat merely inches away from you, his large hand squeezing your wrist down beside your head onto his bed.

“You really like to get under my skin, don’t you?” He asked, squeezing your waist. Behind his glasses, you noticed his pupils were blown, his eyes dark. “Do you like seeing me mad, liebling? Does it get you hot and bothered when you see me wrapping my hand around Volkov’s throat? Do you wish that was you?” You felt his hand moving up your side, groping at you until his hand wrapped lightly around your throat.

His thick German accent, mixed with the sultry tone that was dripping from his tongue, made your stomach flip, the heat between your thighs pulsating. Biting down on your lip, your free hand moved up to grip at the collar of his suit, panting slightly.

“Maybe it does.”

Your simple quip seemed to do it for him. Feeling his body shift slightly, Schmidt hummed in though, his hand moving from your neck and down, pressing into your lower stomach, pawing almost at your body before squeezing his way down to your thighs, pulling one up so he laid in between your legs.

By now you were hot and bothered. Feeling him grab at you, call you the sweet German pet name adored to call you. You felt his breath against your neck, shivering slightly before letting out a sweet moan when his lips pressed against the side of your neck, his teeth nibbling at the sensitive spot he knew of.

But you knew now wasn’t the time. Right now you two needed to be with the other crew members to initiate the next jump. The last thing you needed was for someone to walk in and catch you and Schmidt doing, well - that.

“Schmidt...моја љубав...my love, we need to get back.” You withered your hand from his wrist and to his chest, pushing him back until he was staring down at you, a disappointed frown on his face. You couldn’t help but smile, shaking your head at how childish he was acting.

“Oh, Ernst - come now, I’ll make it up to you later.” You leaned forward and pecked the corner of his mouth, rolling out from under him before standing up, smoothing down your suit as you walked to the mirror by his closet, looking at yourself in the mirror as you began fixing your appearance.

It wasn’t that you two were embarrassed of each other, no you two were smitten for one another and it was truly sick. You just knew that given the dire of your work, what everyone expected out of the two of you, flaunting your attraction could be seen as distracting.

But that was just it, you two weren’t even dating. You weren’t sure how it all started, but one day the constant pinning became more - and now a year later you were where you were now. Sneaking off at night to see each other, to lay in bed and hold one another. Once this was all over, you knew that you’d return home, would Schmidt go with you?

By now Schmidt was standing behind you, obviously aware of your state of mind, deep in whatever thoughts you were having. When you caught glances with him through the mirror, you blushed and looked away. At that point, you heard him laugh and move forward to help you fix your hair, smoothing the parts that stuck up and tucking the longer pieces behind your ear.

“You look beautiful as always,” He pecked your cheek and wrapped his arms around you, holding you in an embrace, “Do you want to go out first, or me?” He asked against your ear, letting the silence sink in between you two.

You wanted to suggest why not the both of you just leave together, but you knew now wasn’t the time to let a potential argument break out, especially given how sour his mood already was - and it wasn’t even noon yet.

“Why not you?” You finally said, reaching your hands up to squeeze his, “After all, you need to be down there more than me. Acosta and I are just there for moral support.”

Turning in his embrace, you looked up at him and smiled, leaning into his touch when he held your face, “Yes, well, I’d like to think of you as my good luck charm.”

You scoffed, shaking your head at his comment, “If that were true, we’d be off this ship by now.”

Shrugging his shoulders, Schmidt leaned forward and kissed your temple, “Maybe,” He mumbled against you, kissing you once more before pulling back, beginning to make his way towards the door, “Maybe you’re my good luck charm in the sense of keeping me from really doing something stupid.”

Your mouth twitched at the comment, not into a smile, nor a frown, almost like you winced. Besides Tam, you were probably one of the only people on board that completely trusted Schmidt. His temper left him to be rather difficult to be around at times, but perhaps he was right - maybe you were his soft spot, his good luck charm as he liked to say, because never has his temper ever gotten to you.

But there was still that sinking feeling in your stomach, as he headed out of his room and down the hall to meet with the others, leaving you standing alone in his quarters.

If this test were to fail - would Schmidt truly snap? Would you finally feel his wrath?

[gunkyengines]

4, 7, and 9, for the s/i questions if you're still taking them!

Ohhhh my gods @jetsetspy I’m so sorry for answering this question so late ;-; My answers are under the cut!

4. Does your insert have a backstory? Tell us about it! How does their backstory, if any, define who they are? How does it reflect their relationships now? Their hopes and dreams?

Bellamy Amplexus – Final Fantasy XV SI

Bellamy doesn’t have much of a backstory just yet, but I do know this:

·         Their family isn’t a huge part of their life, aside from a younger sibling, who, to this day, I have not yet named.

·         They want a sense of belonging somewhere, and have a number of self-image complications (it’s not really a set of “issues” to them, because they’ve found comfort in their body and self over time, but they still have wishes about what they could be seen as—androgyny is a tough line to straddle).

·         They hate the nickname “Bella”.

·         Bells, as far as I’m concerned right now, finds their sense of belonging amongst the ‘Bros ever since they just sorta started… tagging along, I guess? It was just an act of good will from the prince and his guards and a bit of hitchhiking on Bells’ end that got them where they are now.

·         They were originally a bit of a vagabond prior to meeting up with the guys. Hitchhiking, walking absurdly long distances, camping out often, all that jazz.

Junko Hisayo – Persona 5 SI

Junko is a character who I largely based off of my late-high school self for both self insertion and coping reasons, but a few things do set her apart from me. As in, she’s a pretty close approximation, but by no means is she a direct, direct copy of me.

She’s a student at Kosei Academy, simply due to the fact that I read on the wiki that it’s speculated to be a catholic school (I was brought up in the catholic education system, so, I could find some accuracy and likeness in that), and attended meetings at both the drama and art club there. She has bitter memories of the two clubs, as she was betrayed by the one major figure in both: her childhood friend Hideo Sunjaya. Since then, she’s taken to expressing her creative outlets in circles outside of her student life, and finds her passion in writing. At the time of Persona 5 canon, she’s set on becoming an editor. In the future canon, she does in fact achieve this goal. In this way Junko’s less of a model of who I was, and instead she’s what I hope to be.

She comes from a somewhat broken home, but has a strong relationship with her mother. Despite her current disconnect, Junko feels that she owes it to her parents that she has such a good understanding of her own identity, as they were supportive when she first came out as sapphic, and continued their support when she decided to be GNC and soon after came into her identity as a demigirl.

Elizabeth Beaufort – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

Lizzie is a pretty lighthearted simulacrum of a more feminine version of me, translated loosely into the scope of the year 1899. I’m by no means a historian, but here’s Lizzie’s life.

Elizabeth Beaufort is a born and raised resident of the town of Valentine. Her mother is whatever the RDR2 universe’s equivalent of Quebecois French is, having moved to Saint Denis due to a family matter down there, and subsequently met her father. A Valentine resident himself, he beguiled her mother and convinced her to move to Valentine and live as the wife of a livestock owner (he comes from some blue blood ‘round those parts—as mentioned by the VDL in Chapter 2, the town is a goldmine of trade).

As a lady of relative privilege, life was… well, it was what a privileged life is. Sheltered, simple, and for the most part pretty damned easy. However, her naivete wasn’t something that her mother would stand to see Elizabeth keep, as she wanted a strong daughter who wouldn’t simply bend to the hand of tradition. Would I say that Lizzie would’ve most certainly rallied with those girls in Rhodes? YES. I’d rather die than portray any iteration of myself as complacent rather than progressive lmao. Elizabeth Beaufort flows in the vein of RDR2’s… I guess, progressive* writing? More** on that below, I guess???

*I don’t actually know how well it was received by everyone else, and honestly, I’m not even gonna try to speak on anyone else’s behalf but my own—I found that RDR2, despite some shortcomings, made itself a relatively hospitable environment for me as a white queer.

** Lizzie does struggle a lot with her internalized homophobia? Like… she had a lot of difficulty when she was younger coming to terms with the fact that she’s bisexual. This is less prevalent in her backstory considering it only ever surfaces post-canon. Yes, my SI and her FO came out to each other at random after being married to him for approximately 3 months. And it went fuckin’ great cos guess what!! Theyre both bi!! WLW/MLM solidarity!!! Don’t @ me.

Gillian Wright – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

·         Gilley was brought up amongst a gang of outlaws, and her being born a woman changed nothing about the things she was taught by said gunslingers. She left the group she once called family because of the leadership turning sour. From that point forward she went it alone, shifting in and out of her identity as Gilley Wright and her masculine persona (a pseudonym-turned-identity) Giles Kingsley, to keep herself straddling notoriety and anonymity.

·         Gilley only started wearing her hair short because of an encounter in which her longer hair was used as a means to pull her back into harm’s way. She lopped it off shortly after out of the feeling that it was a necessity, but soon found that she preferred it that way.

·         Thaddeus, her large draft horse, once pulled carts. She took him during a robbery so that she’d have an adequate mount for her getaway. The connection was instant between them.

Taeko Atou – Tokyo Ghoul OC

Taeko went by another name before her time in the 20th ward. She had another face, another life. But that was a self she had to leave far, far behind. Before “Taeko”, she was a reckless twentysomething ghoul living off of her father’s money, basking in the upper echelons of society, indulging in Scrapper shows and seeing humanity as nothing but an unprepared buffet. The danger ranking on her CCG profile demonstrated as much.

One night, however, her cushy life changed drastically. She went out drinking after a Scrapper show with one of her friends and decided to go hunting with her. Things were as usual, they stayed in their territory, but ended up getting apprehended by a group of Doves. During the getaway, her and her friend were separated, and she had no way of knowing whether her friend was alive. Drunk, desperate, and rather terrified, she decided to abandon all else and ripped her mask off to taunt the officers. They deserved to see her face, covered in gore and as ghoulish as they came! Nothing mattered to her at that point and she wanted to give them a scare…!

That is, until the next morning, when she recovered from her hangover and realized what she’d done. One of those Doves got a picture of her. In a panic, she called her father to ask for some sort of mercy money to clear the issue up. He’s frustrated with her constantly getting into increasingly worse trouble and tells her this: he’s going to pay for her to completely change her identity and her face so that she can move elsewhere, completely out of the way of harm. After that, he’d be cutting her off, leaving her with only the savings that she had prior to the cut-off. No more handouts.

This is when she became Taeko Atou, a pseudonym based off of her Scrapper show guest alias, “Miss AT”, and moved to the 20th ward. She has to adjust to average life a la Schitt’s Creek or Arrested Development.

7. What kind of clothing style do they like? What would they never be caught dead wearing? What’s likely in their closet right now?

Bellamy Amplexus – Final Fantasy XV SI

·         Bells LOVES anything that’ll make them look cute and androgynous. They’re super partial to a femme prince aesthetic. Blouses and linens and vests and suspenders and a bunch of that cute shit. (Yes, this is my preferred fashion style and I wish I could look like that all the time.) They’re also into stuff like your average sundresses and such when it’s too hot for “princey” attire because hell yeah.

·         They’d hate to wear… hm… short party dresses? Cocktail dresses n shit. (No shade to those tho theyre cute. Just not Bellamy’s style.)

Junko Hisayo – Persona 5 SI

·         Junko’s super masc and butch in her presentation, binds her chest, does the simple graphic tee + jeans thing a lot. Think “Kanji Tatsumi but a lesbian”.

·         She lowkey doesn’t like wearing overly feminine clothes, like, she does not vibe with dresses.

Elizabeth Beaufort – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

·         Lizzie is pretty standard when it comes to clothes: blouses and skirts, dresses, all just… really basic stuff. She likes simple and solid colours, maybe simple patterns. She’s also like… very cottagecore. Probably likes overalls if she ever wears ‘em?? I’m not a frickin’ historian and I’m not gonna google early 1900s clothes styles at this hour don’t @ me.

·         This is literally just because I’m basic as all fuck and I like a skirt/blouse or sundress style outfit. I don’t wear it often but that’s my jazz y’know?

Gillian Wright – Red Dead Redemption 2 SI

·         Gilley’s another one of my more boyish characters. She doesn’t deliberately go out of her way to look like a man unless she’s under the guise of her male persona Giles Kingsley. But let me tell you—she goes all out for those occasions, even electing to simulate stubble on her face with cosmetics. Think “cowboy drag king” and you’ll hit the mark.

·         Other than that, she just wears whatever’s convenient and comfortable.

 9. Their favorite foods? Colors? Activities? What do they enjoy in life? How do they express their joy for things they like?

As dumb as this sounds I completely burnt out after writing only 2 self insert likes/interests profiles, forgive me lol.

Bellamy Amplexus – Final Fantasy XV SI

·         Favourite Food: Bells is indecisive, but they will gladly eat anything Ignis puts in front of them. They’re thoroughly convinced he uses magic in his cooking. (They’re only half joking about that—it’s so good!) If they were made to decide a top three, it’d likely be Garden Curry, Broiled King on a Stick, and Moogle Mousse with Kupoberry Sauce. Honorable mention being Gyashi Chips (yes, they like what’s effectively Eosian kale chips).

·         Favourite Colours: ANYTHING PASTEL will win Bellamy over, along with any colour considered light and airy. White, silver, pale green, soft gold, baby blue, lavender, and also whatever the sky has going on at any given time of the day—they’re an aesthetic little shit.

·         Favourite Activities: Travelling, leisure shopping when funds allow it (if given the means, Bellamy will 100% engage in excessive retail therapy, no joke), swimming, loving their friends, talking about books and music, gardening, and (I know this sounds vain but bear with me) preening. Yes, they’d be a vlogger in another life. Don’t @ me

·         Bells loves to talk in excess about what they like, and on occasion, when words fail, they tend to express it through squealing, jumping, etc. If someone points out how passionate Bells is about these things, they’ll end up flustered and ask the person if they could continue. I guess you could say Bellamy stims? I’m not diagnosed with anything, so take this with a grain of salt, but I do have stimming habits.

Junko Hisayo – Persona 5 SI

·         Favourite Food: Junko’s pretty partial to miso soup. It’s one of her weaknesses. Total comfort food. (Bro I fuckin’ love miso soup.) As well as baked goods like cupcakes.

·         Favourite Colours: Red, black, silver, pink, blue, purple.

·         Favourite Activities: drawing (sketches, scribbles, doodles, colouring, etc., singing, baking/cooking, writing, and she learned to love gardening after getting close to Haru.

·         Junko tends to show her happiness through verbal and artistic expression, she’s also the type that tends to crack jokes (mostly shitty puns followed up by finger guns).

Again, thank you so much for asking, thank you so much for asking! QwQ Asks are still open, everyone.

[gabriella-lost-in-the-big-city]

“...and one day you’ll grow up to be a strong, independent woman just like your mami”

by Gabriella J Bolanos

This is a very sensitive topic about me, but over the course of the past six weeks of this hellish semester, I realized the importance of giving trans people a space of their own in the world of “maternal” / “woman’s” (A.K.A. Cis-woman’s health). I loathed the maternity nursing lecture, mainly because the double dose of problematic WASPs was too much for me to swallow on a weekly basis. However, those five days at Mt. Sinai’s labor and delivery/postpartum floors was such an uplifting, emotional, and sometimes conflicting moment. Let me just put it out there that yes I am transgender, and I own up to being a transgender woman. I am proud to be a transgender woman, and I don’t see myself being anything else. However, society has not advanced enough to where transgender people are respected by women and men as viable women; and science has not advanced enough to where they can put a functional uterus in me. I had a lot of experience observing and participating in the births of numerous children 3 of those 5 days, many of them being families who were introducing their first child to their lives. I enjoyed seeing the face of young fathers and mothers feeling nothing but pure joy as they hold their just born child in their arms. It’s honestly an amazing privilege to be able to witness a moment so intimate, so groundbreaking, so heartfelt, so pure like the birth of a newborn. However, in the back of my head, I could never shake the feeling of jealousy and resentment of these mothers. I will never be congratulated for being pregnant with my child. I will never be congratulated for spending all those hours in labor or overcoming all of the pain to deliver my baby. I won’t feel that overwhelming burst of emotion holding my newly born crying baby on my bare chest. Sometimes I feel like I won’t ever be a “real” mom because I’ll never have the opportunity to do things that our heteronormative society tells us a mother does.

*Side Note: Why is there no gender-neutral term for “person that gives birth,” it’s always when the mother does this or when the mother experiences that or when the mother holds her baby for the first time… mother is clearly a gender-charged word, but in reality, it’s not always a cis-female that gives birth, there are transmen out there that give birth, and gender non-conforming people that give birth – and I highly doubt that they would want to be referred to as the “mother.” One time during lecture, one of the instructors “tried” to be inclusive and kind of touch on this idea that LND may not be as heteronormative as we tend to think it is. However, things quickly went south when she started to bring up the example of trans people giving birth. And so she says “ I had a colleague tell me that she one time had a transgender mother, male to female, give birth…” and I don’t know about you, but as far as I know, transwoman cannot give birth – and if somehow they can, PLEASE LET A GIRL KNOW. So essentially, I am 99.99% sure that she meant to say that there was a transgender man who gave birth but instead chose to mis-gender the father who gave birth. Anyway, I hope one day this changed and we see a bigger presence and respect of LGBTQ (esp. Transgender people) in maternity health and in woman’s health in general.*

I have always wanted to be a mom since I could remember, or I guess I’ve always wanted a family of my own and I didn’t know that meant becoming a mother until I realized that I was a transgender woman. A part of my desire to be a mom comes from a desire to make up for the mistakes my mother made raising me – in no way was she the worst mother to have, but we never really saw eye-to-eye, she internalized most of her emotions, she never really understood me, she never really could sympathize/empathize with me, she was never pushing me to go after my goals, it took her forever to accept the fact that I was trans, and along the way made me feel like a complete, worthless piece of shit for being who I am. However, at the end of the day, although I can’t 100% forgive her or honestly say my relationship with her was healthy and beneficial, she is still my mother and luckily she eventually got it together and now accepts me for the woman I am today, her daughter. I want to learn from my parent’s mistakes and be the parent I always wanted/needed growing up to my future children. Additionally, there is a bond you can’t recreate or break between a child and their mother. For example, I wouldn’t say my sister is the most positive mother, she can let her frustration and anger get the best of her around her child, she can be overwhelmed with work or too focused in her personal life to spend whatever time she does have with her child. However, no matter how many times my sister yells at him, spanks him, or leaves him behind to be cared by someone else, my nephew will always tell her how much he loves her and comes to her defense whenever me and my sister fight. This was a complicated lead up to the fact that I part of me wants to have a child so they can unconditionally love me, because I feel so lonely in this world sometimes, to know someone loves me, means the world to me. Although some parts of my desire to be a mom come off as selfish, in all honesty I want to have kids one day to take care of them and smother them with nothing but love, raise them to be “woke” individuals in society, take them to soccer practice or piano lessons, help them with homework, remind them that they matter and no matter how stressful things get, they will overcome all obstacles eventually, support them with whatever career/academic decisions they make, take care of them when they are sick, give them advice on love and life, the list goes on and on. I even have baby names picked out, even though adoption will most likely be my route of raising a family (unless someone wants to give me their second child) – so if I have a newborn son, I want to name him Brandon Mauricio Bolanos, and if I have a newborn girl, I want to name her Jacqueline Celeste Bolanos – cheesy names, I know. So Brandon comes from my obsession of Beverly Hills 90210 from the summer (Brandon Walsh was definitely my dream guy) and Mauricio comes from my father’s middle name and my original birth middle name – a part of me has a little guilt for being trans as I am my father’s only child and I know how important it was for him to have a “son” and I would have been the only person to pass down the family name as all of my cousins on that side of the family are girls. Therefore, I want to give back to my father somehow, but naming my son after him – not that I have a reason to feel guilty for being trans. And in regard to Jacqueline Celeste Bolanos – I just really like those names, it's different, and not something you hear every day. And ideally, I would like a third child (my favorite number happens to be 3), but the name on that one is a TBD for now.

I love the idea of being a mom, and can’t see myself not having a family of my own, but I can’t help to have my fears about it as well. Honestly, my biggest fear is getting into a fight with my child and having the phrase “well you didn’t give birth to me, so you’re not my real mom anyway” – I honestly believe if this ever happens I would kill myself right there and then because that would just crush me beyond the point of any possible repair. I also worry about if my child going to accept that I am trans? Is the world going to accept me as a transgender mom? Are the kids at school going to say to my child about me being trans? Is he going to get bullied for it? What are the moms at the PTA going to say about me? All of these thoughts, good and bad, swirl around my mind whenever I see a birth, or see a pregnant woman on the subway, when I see a baby in a stroller, or when my friends complain about never wanting to give birth, or when people randomly ask me if I want to give birth or if I am a mom. I don’t know if I’ll ever accomplish this goal of becoming a mom, finding someone to help raise our children, I hope that one day they would look up to me as their loving, successful mother and eventually I’ll be trying to keep up with the numerous grandkids I’ll be expecting. Until then, I’ll continue to hold babies like they are my own, envision a future of a full, loving family, and hold my tears back whenever things get emotional, and be optimistic that one day I’ll hear the word “mami” come out the mouth of my son, daughter, or GNC child.